This year has had me question so much. Pregnancy was exhausting, humbling and frustrating. COVID has left little room for taking a breath. Parenthood has taken away my control and restructured my life.
There is one theme I have felt deeply for years that has come to a peak. There has been a lack of depth in my life. I crave it. I can almost feel it on a physical level. I have bandaids and good habits that sustain me for the short term, but this last year has taken all of that away from me. The way I think has changed a lot.
Doubt is a big part of my days. Doubt in my work, my parenting, my relationships, my faith. I second guess almost every piece of my day. I can now see how my isolation has just become an echo chamber for my thoughts. I don’t have a chance to empty my brain and bounce my thoughts and feelings anywhere. It’s not healthy. My heart and mind are very weary.
I think a weird/hard symptom of our technology and social media filled world is the percieved proximity we have to connections and audience we all crave. I have often dreamed thought and dreamed about being an “influencer” to be a successful blogger, to actually commit to writing. Hell, I’ve thought about being a youtuber. I just so deeply desire connection. I keep relying on and believing in the lie that the internet could hold any of the connection I really need.
We can all absolutely agree that there is no replacement for face to face genuine interaction. Especially after this year. But I (and we) still seek to fill those needs with cheapened versions. How do we meet these real and intense needs?
I honestly just don’t know. I don’t know how God fits into this equation either. I know the sunday school answers of “God is always with us” and “He fulfills all of our needs”. I believe these to be fully true, but I don’t know how to make them real for me for in this time of high need. I’m sure I could put new habits into practice, find a new devotional to read, listen to more sermons, drink a better coffee. Whatever.
I know and believe in the never ending depth and connection that God is. I really hope for it to be fully realized in my life. I want to know what a deep, dynamic, loving relationship with the God that is all of those things. To find him in the relationships with other humans in this world. To find and hope to this solid foundation so if and when I land back in this place, I know where to run.